no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize