but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
