he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize