his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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