My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
