Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
