cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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