You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
