There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
