So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
