I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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