I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
