I am spending my child support on dildos
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
