I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
