we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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