Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
