Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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