I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
