Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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