They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
