Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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