i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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