i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
