Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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