I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
