if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
