I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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