be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We are all done wearing pants today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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