I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im holly from the hills drunk
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
