remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
