you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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