I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
organizing the empties. That sober.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
