I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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