dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I pour the whiskey from now on
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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