i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
