did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
