In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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