she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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