No awkward lesbian experiences without me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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