sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
