Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Randomize
