really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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