Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
