i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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