i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
