Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You ruined the universe
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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