Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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