Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
