So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
