I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Randomize
