wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
