Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
