You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
