dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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