Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
