Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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