Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
