you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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