Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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