i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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