My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
